


Hell's Angels

by fourth_rose



Series: Crossover Crack [4]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 12:39:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7715227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourth_rose/pseuds/fourth_rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Buffy sent Angel to a demon dimension in the season 2 finale, how exactly did things go for him there? (And did you ever wonder about the real reason why "Midnight Sun" didn't get finished?) Featuring characters and events from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, the Twilight series, Good Omens, Harry Potter, and a smidgen of Lord of the Rings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell's Angels

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to cloudlessnights for betaing, and to dorisbay for reminding me that I somehow forgot to post this ficlet here! It was written back in 2009, in the aftermath of the fandom explosion that followed the "Midnight Sun" leak ;-)
> 
> Warning: pure, unadulterated crack. Also, easily offended "Twilight" fans may want to stay clear of this one...

_Demon dimension #5, somewhere underneath the Hellmouth._

_CROWLEY is sitting in his office (think walls o'flames, heaps of fanged skulls on the floor and all that jazz) and watching the empty chair across his desk._

_In the shadows behind him, LORD VOLDEMORT and THE MASTER are sharing a bag of popcorn, with SAURON's eye peeping over their shoulders._

_In a swirl of bluish light, ANGEL materialises in the chair._

ANGEL: Hey! I can't believe the lying bitch ran a sword through me! How could the love of my undead life betray me so?

CROWLEY: One millisecond here, and the whining has already started. I guess I see why they told me you were my punishment for averting the apocalypse.

ANGEL (looking around): This is Hell, isn't it? 

CROWLEY: Should be bloody obvious from the eyeball-searing tackiness of the interior design.

ANGEL: So if this is _your_ punishment, why are you the one sitting _behind_ that big ominous desk? 

CROWLEY (shrugging): Two demons with one stake, I guess.

ANGEL: Stakes only work with vampires.

CROWLEY (baring his teeth): You know, I think I might enjoy this quite a bit after all. Now, about the lying bitch of your undead life thing…

ANGEL: I was wondering about that, you know. So, who am I exactly at the moment, Angel or Angelus? It's kinda hard to tell.

CROWLEY: It really doesn't make a difference in this place, mate. You're you, and the only thing that matters is that you're about to get your wrist slapped. With a red-hot poker, if you catch my drift.

ANGEL: If it's all the same to you, I'd still rather be Angelus in a place like this, I'm sure I'll have a lot more fun that way.

CROWLEY: You really think we'll make it that easy for you? Wow, are _you_ in for a surprise.

ANGEL: You're my torturer, then?

CROWLEY (grimacing): If only. Name's Crowley – I'm a demon from the deepest pit of Hell, and your bleeding parole officer, as it is.

ANGEL: Say what?

DISEMBODIED DEMONIC VOICE O'EXPOSITION: _The PTB are not done with you yet, Angel(us). There will be a chance to go back to where you came from, but only if you choose to embrace your soul and be the dark and brooding champion for all that is good and heartburn-inducing for the rest of your eternal life. Oh, and no more Slayer nookies for you either._

CROWLEY (rolling his eyes): What the Greek chorus said.

ANGEL: So, same shit as before plus blue balls for all eternity? I think I'll pass, thx. 

CROWLEY: You realise you're not facing a walk in the park down here, either? *points to the assembled Dark Lords in the shadows* Those fellows you see back there? Came up with a really neat idea for your very personal Hell.

ANGEL: The peanut gallery gets to decide my fate?

VOLDEMORT: Hey, watch your fat mouth! I happened to be a lot more evil than you back in my day!

ANGEL: Riiiiight. So how come you're stuck here instead of ruling your own subdivision of Hell, or something?

VOLDEMORT: Because any ruling I could do would have to happen in my own universe, and if you think I'll trade a cosy corner of the demon dimensions for post-epilogue HPverse you're seriously off your rocker.

THE MASTER: Plus, you probation folks make for really cool entertainment.

ANGEL: I see you've got the popcorn to prove it.

VOLDEMORT: So what, a Dark Lord can't eat popcorn anymore?

SAURON'S EYE: *blinks reproachfully*

VOLDEMORT: All right, some of us can't.

ANGEL (to Crowley): And your part in this would be…

CROWLEY: I'm here to provide you with spiritual council in regular intervals to help you find your way through the fires of Hell until the day you finally drive me round the bend.

ANGEL: Why you?

CROWLEY: They told me it was my prior experience with angels. They can't help it, my side just comes up with the worst puns ever.

+++

_Forks, Washington. Some meadow in the woods._

ANGEL: What the – where are we now?

CROWLEY: Welcome to your very personal Hell, my friend. I see you already got the full makeover.

ANGEL: I… what the fuck? Why am I suddenly stuck inside some pasty spindly teenager?

CROWLEY (wincing): You might want to rephrase that. Plus, I'm told that your looks are all the rage in these parts. You know, different strokes and all that.

ANGEL: But I – I'm stone-cold!

CROWLEY: Funny you should put it like this.

ANGEL: Huh?

CROWLEY: Just don't go rubbing your eyes unless you want to end up with holes in your skull, is all I'm saying.

ANGEL: I don't get it. Why do I have to look like this? There was nothing wrong with the way I looked before, was there? WAS THERE?

CROWLEY: Well, now that you mention it, you _were_ going a bit out of shape, but it's actually just the script.

ANGEL: The script?

CROWLEY: The one that must be followed to the letter during your punishment. Unless, of course, you decide you'd rather choose option B after all.

ANGEL: There's a script for Hell?

CROWLEY: You thought we'd let you make up stuff by yourself? Where's the torture in that?

ANGEL: But… who gets to write the script, then?

CROWLEY: Trust me, mate, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Oh, and by the way, just so you know what you're getting yourself into, will you have a look at this pretty sunny spot? *shoves*

ANGEL: OMGWTFISTHISSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!?????????

CROWLEY (grinning): Oh yes, definitely fun after all.

ANGEL: I'M SPARKLING! I'M BLOODY SPARKLING IN THE SUNLIGHT!!!!

CROWLEY: You'd rather go up in flames?

ANGEL (hyperventilating): Actually, if it's all the same to you – 

CROWLEY: Quit whining, there's plenty of time for that later. It's useless anyway - the life ahead of you was hand-picked for you, building on the very worst character traits you possess…

ANGEL (perking up): Does that mean I get to have some fun after all?

CROWLEY: I really wouldn't count on it if I were you.

+++

_Demon dimension #5, an indefinite amount of time later._

_CROWLEY is sitting at his desk, studying some files that look suspiciously like sales figures, when ANGEL materialises in the visitor's chair._

CROWLEY (without looking up): Hi, Angelward. Right on time, too.

ANGEL: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

CROWLEY (putting the files aside): That's right, let it all out. That's what those little counselling sessions with your probation demon are for, after all.

ANGEL (slumping in his chair): Man, it's such a relief that I can talk with my own voice in this place - that fake American accent was really starting to get to me.

CROWLEY: Yes, I guess fake Irish beats fake American any day. How are you holding up?

ANGEL (sighing): It's not as if I can do much, is it? Somehow you failed to mention that I was merely a backseat driver in all this while your little script played out all by itself!

CROWLEY: Cheer up, emo vamp, I really don't see what you're whining about. The stalking, the sulking, the patronising, the Woe-Is-Me-I'm-Evil act - it should all be right up your alley! What's not to love?

ANGEL: Do the words "vampire baseball" ring a bell?

CROWLEY: If that threw you already, wait until you get to the suicide by public sparkling.

ANGEL: Let me guess: I'll have to take my shirt off again for that?

CROWLEY: Hey, the Kirk Syndrome's a classic, and it's not as if there was a lack of it while you were home in your own 'verse.

ANGEL: Okay, okay. But please tell me that this chick will grow something resembling a spine at _some_ point in the future.

CROWLEY: Oh, but where would be the fun in that? If we wanted to pair you up with a girl who's willing to kick your whiny ass, we could have left you with the Slayer in the first place.

ANGEL: Is she even still alive? Buffy, I mean – it feels like I've been down here for centuries.

CROWLEY (smirking): That's just because you're having so much fun. See you, then!

ANGEL: Hey, wait, I wasn't…*disappears in a haze of swirling blue light*

CROWLEY (turning back to the files on his desk): Looking good, are we, folks?

VOLDEMORT: I believe "earth-shattering" would be a better term. Have you seen the latest figures?

THE MASTER: The bestseller lists? The Amazon rankings?

CROWLEY: The glassy-eyed craziness that's spreading all over the globe? That'll show them how "soft" I've gone!

VOLDEMORT: A masterpiece indeed, my friend.

CROWLEY: Well, one does what one can. Let's just hope our champion holds up for a while longer.

+++

_Demon dimension #5, another indefinite amount of time later._

_Angel is sitting in the visitor's chair; he's even paler than usual and shaking all over._

CROWLEY: You're serious about this? You really want out?

ANGEL: You heard me.

CROWLEY: Aw, man, I'm a bit disappointed. I thought you could take anything since you lived through the dentally assisted c-section.

ANGEL: YOU WILL NEVER MENTION THIS EVENT IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME?

VOLDEMORT (in the background): Oh, now you've gone and made me all nostalgic.

ANGEL (hoarsely): I'm done, okay? Done! I don't care how much frigid hero-ing I'll have to do back in the old place, it can't be worse than this! It's officially over! I'm _finished_ with Sparkleverse!

CROWLEY: All right, all right, I heard you the first time. Off you go, then! 

ANGEL (taken aback): Just like that?

CROWLEY: Ten seconds from now you'll be back where you came from. Oh, and you want to brace yourself for the fact that you'll turn up there stark naked.

ANGEL (slowly fading from sight): I believe that goes without saying…

THE MASTER (in the background): Pity, really, this whole thing still had some potential. Ah, well, it was pure Hell while it lasted.

CROWLEY (sitting back and grinning at the empty chair in front of his desk): Oh, don't you worry, I have a feeling that something else will turn up in no time at all.

+++

_Demon dimension #5, some other time (probably later, although one can never really be certain about these things) and place (what with the Hellmouth having been blown to smithereens in the meantime)._

_LORD VOLDEMORT and THE MASTER are whispering among themselves, while SAURON's eye keeps blinking mournfully at the empty chair in front of CROWLEY's empty desk. It flinches when the office door slams open with a bang._

CROWLEY (entering): Hi there, sorry I'm late – hey, where is he? He can't miss a session!

VOLDEMORT: Mr Bottleblond showed up five minutes ago and asked us to inform you that he's quitting, effective immediately. 

CROWLEY: _Already_? Who told him he could just run out on me like that? We're barely ten chapters into the bloody book!

VOLDEMORT: Seems he decided it was more than enough for him.

CROWLEY: Man, and here I was starting to actually like the guy.

THE MASTER (sneering): I told you he wouldn't be able to take it, didn't I? But no, you kept dreaming of pulling the same stunt all over again!

CROWLEY: Did you remind him that he would be stuck with _Angel_ if he chose to go back?

VOLDEMORT: Of course we did.

CROWLEY: And?

THE MASTER: He said, and I quote, "There are a few things in this universe that are even harder to stomach than the Big Sulk".

CROWLEY (grinding his teeth): Oh, _bless_.

VOLDEMORT: No shit. Now what? This one would have been a _killer_!

SAURON'S EYE: *chagrined blink*

CROWLEY: Nothing for it now. All we can do is throw together what we have so far, put it on the net and tell our girl to pitch a hissy fit over it. At least we'll get some epic wank out of it that way.

 

FIN


End file.
